What a load of crap. My secret? I roll out of bed each morning and view the sign printed in large 2ft high letters over the bathroom mirror that reads "drill it".
The Best Advice Our Relationship Columnist Has Heard All Year
‘Quality Time Left’ and other wisdom I find inspiring
By Elizabeth Bernstein
Dec. 24, 2024 9:00 pm ET
I’m thinking about getting a tattoo. It would say “QTL” for Quality Time Left.
I was inspired by someone I interviewed earlier this year who has a similar tattoo, to remind him that each day is a blessing and he should take advantage of it.
One of my favorite parts of my job as a relationship columnist is hearing people’s hard-earned advice. Therapists, researchers and regular folks share their life hacks for getting along with others or boosting their mental well-being. Often this advice sticks with me—and I revisit it through the years.
One woman keeps lists of the things she loves about friends and family members and periodically shares the praise with them. Another says she always envisions a good outcome, even in tough situations, such as her husband’s terminal diagnosis. (She reports that he was given less than a year to live—almost three years ago.) A man in his 80s once told me that he maintains a mental “f— it bucket” where he tosses information that upsets him but that he can’t change, such as political nastiness or a loss by his beloved Red Sox.
As the year wraps up, I’d like to share the treasure trove. Here is some of the best advice I’ve turned back to this year.
Prepare to have a good day
Each morning while having coffee, Ruth Middleton House visualizes how to have a good day.
Each morning, Ruth Middleton House visualizes how to have a good day.
Each morning, Ruth Middleton House visualizes how to have a good day. Photo: Ruth Middleton House
She asks a series of questions. What is she grateful for? Often the answer is a person who has shown her kindness or taught her something. But sometimes it’s an unpleasant exchange that helps her learn.
House, a 78-year-old semiretired university professor in Kennesaw, Ga., also asks herself: What are three of her strengths and how will she use them today? What three relationships can she strengthen today? And what can she look forward to in the next 12 hours?
That last question helps her anticipate finding enjoyment in stressful situations, such as a challenging lunch meeting with a colleague. (She decided to ask him about himself, to get to know him.) And it has nudged her to plan small breaks to look forward to, such as 15 minutes listening to classical music or reading poetry.
“We are wired for positivity,” House says. “And I don’t have to wait for long-term results: I feel better physically, enjoy the day and laugh more.”
Practice positive gossip
Too often, we talk more about negative things than positive ones.
Jamil Zaki, a psychology professor at Stanford, realized he was guilty of this while driving his young daughter to school a few years ago. He started to complain after another driver cut him off. Then his daughter, who was 7 at the time, piped up: You don’t talk about any of the folks who didn’t cut you off.
That day, Zaki, 44, vowed to pay more attention to the good things—and to talk more about them. He calls this “positive gossip.” At dinner, he encourages his family to share stories about good things they’ve noticed during the day. When he sees someone help another person, or do a good job at work, he thanks them.
“If you have something nice to say, spit it out!” Zaki says.
Talk less, listen more
I’ve heard this advice repeatedly over the years from one of my favorite sources, longtime marriage therapist Bill Doherty. As a co-founder of the nonpartisan nonprofit Braver Angels, Doherty helps people talk about politics in a more civil manner. But his advice applies to all types of conversations: Talk to share, not convince. Seek to understand. And stop trying to change each other.
Joanne and Carsten Steenberg set a timer and let each other talk for five minutes uninterrupted.
How does that work in real life? Joanne and Carsten Steenberg, who live in Penobscot, Maine, and have been married for 32 years, have a technique they learned from their therapist. When they feel like they are arguing more than connecting, they sit facing each other in two chairs about 2 feet apart in their living room. They set a timer for five minutes. One spouse says: “Tell me who you are.” The other speaks until the timer buzzes. Then they switch.
There are rules: No interruptions, heavy sighs or eyerolls. And no topic is off limits. The couple has used this to discuss everything from financial disagreements to their holiday to-do list.
“Over the years, so many of our conversations were also multitasking and not engaged in good eye contact,” says Joanne, 62, who runs an organization that educates people about kindness. “This makes us feel seen and heard.”
Strive for quality time
We all know what it’s like to feel stuck in the daily grind, especially during tough times. Sometimes the best way out of this rut is to actively search for joy.
That’s why I keep thinking about the “QTL” tattoo that 76-year-old Irwin Weinberg told me about a few years ago. He put it on his wrist so he could easily see it if he starts to feel down.
Weinberg, a retired consultant, chose the mantra “Quality Time Left” several years ago, after reading a newspaper article about the concept. His wife of 46 years was dying at the time, and he worried he would get lost in his grief. She told him she wanted him to make the rest of his life a happy one.
I checked in with Weinberg recently, and he says he finds the tattoo comforting in dark moments, such as the night shortly after his wife’s death when he realized he was still sleeping on his side of the bed, leaving room for her. It has spurred him to move forward—volunteering, making friends and, eventually, remarrying. He even uses it to prioritize big-ticket purchases, such as a cruise around Iceland with friends.
“Life isn’t lived in a straight line,” he says. “QTL helps me focus on what’s important.”
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